it's not often that i understand
by BookkeeperThe
Summary: In which Heinz is bad at expressing concern, Perry is offended, and Vanessa is exasperated. [Perryshmirtz, post-s2]


**Notes: oh man oh frick I'm sorry I was sad and sleepy and Phineas and Ferb was on Netflix and this was supposed to be a crack pairing and oh gosh I'm sorry. **

**Anyway.**

**AU where everything is exactly the same except Perry is human. Title comes from the song 'Light a Roman Candle with Me' by fun.**

**Warnings: questionably healthy relationships, as per canon. Self-loathing, also as per canon. That's about it, this time. I tried to keep this particular story at about the level of the show in terms of age-appropriateness. **

**Tell me what you think!**

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It took Heinz longer than it should have to realize he probably wasn't the only one with tragic backstory.

Like, _way _longer than it should have. Perry didn't _talk_, for god's sake. Seriously, not a single word. And nobody knew why. Well, not _nobody_, because obviously Perry knew, or, well, maybe not obviously, considering the nature of trauma and Perry's work and Forgettinators and everything, but _presumably_ – anyway.

Nobody _besides _Perry knew, or at least nobody who would talk to Heinz. Which was really just Francis and What's-His-Face, the intern, but neither of them knew. There was a note in his file, apparently. Everything else was redacted. Francis actually looked really surprised when Heinz asked him, like it had never even occurred to him before, which – well, alright, Heinz couldn't really blame him for, seeing as it took Heinz long enough to wonder about it himself, but Heinz was pretty much professionally self-absorbed, so really, what could you expect?

Naturally, he came up with a cunning plan.

Naturally (or maybe not so naturally; he still had no idea where that dragon came from), it all fell apart.

Which could have been a good thing, considering that part of his plan was for his plan to fall apart – it would have been nice if Roger had been forced to recant his entire childhood of blatant favoritism and petty cruelty to his adoring constituents, but at this point Heinz wasn't really expecting it – but, well, the falling apart part kind of fell apart.

Long story short, he got hit with his own –Inator and spent half an hour sobbing into Perry's coat.

Oh, and the Tell-All-Inator got destroyed, too.

.

.

.

Heinz woke up slowly. Couch. He was on the couch, under a thin-but-warm OWCA-issued blanket. That was probably because of the crying, and . . . yep, his nose was all clogged up. Gross. Also his mouth was super dry.

Somebody pushed a glass of water into his hand.

"Oh, thank you, Perry."

Heinz looked up – and flinched. It was Perry, alright, sitting the chair across the coffee table, but he wasn't looking remotely sympathetic, which was . . . odd, considering how gently (albeit long-sufferingly) he had comforted Heinz a few hours ago. Now, however, his arms were crossed, his eyes were flashing, and, most alarming of all, he was still wearing his coat. He never wore his coat when he was visiting off the clock. It was where he kept his weapons.

"What is it?" Heinz asked, pushing himself upright. "I don't have any more evil planned for today, if that's what you're worried about. Vanessa's coming over later, if you want to stay. We could –"

Perry unfurled a paper across the table with a flick of his wrist.

"What's that? Oooooh, the blueprints for the Tell-All-Inator. You know, funny story, I was going to call it the 'Backstory-Inator' but I got this weird feeling, you know how you get those sometimes? Well anyway, I got this weird feeling that I'd need that name later, so I just named it –"

Perry jabbed a finger at the blueprint. At one particular part of the blueprint, actually. The part which had 'Perry' written on it in sharpie. Circled several times. With those little lines to make it look like it was glowing.

"Oh, that? That's just – that's –"

Perry glared. Heinz sighed.

"Yeah, I got nothing."

Perry bared his teeth in snarl, and oh yeah, Heinz had really schnitzeled this time.

"Come on, I was just curious. I didn't even know if it would work on you! It was nothing, just a little – filler-scheme, you know, because it's my weekend with Vanessa. Not even eeevil, really, just sort of . . . mildly mischievous."

Perry rolled the blueprint back up with a snap, producing something glinting and metal from his coat with the other hand. Involuntary, Heinz shrank back.

"Whoa whoa whoa! Whoa. Why don't we just – a lighter? What are you going to – oh, you're – you're burning the blueprint. Eh, fair enough. So we'll call it even then? Perry?"

Perry glared at him coldly as he rose.

"Perry –" Heinz caught his arm. Perry twisted out of his grip so quickly that Heinz lost his footing and crashed to the ground, legs tangled in the OWCA-issued blanket. Perry looked down his nose at him, pointedly straightened his hat, and walked out the door.

"Great," Heinz groaned, letting his head thunk back onto the floor. "Just great. _Now_ he uses the door."

.

.

.

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was not sobbing into a pint of rocky road ice cream. It was mint chocolate chip, and he was only sniffling a little.

"Dad?"

Heinz jumped. With everything that had happened, he had forgotten that Vanessa was staying with him this weekend.

"What's wrong?" Vanessa asked, tossing her bag aside. "You look like someone broke up with you."

Okay, now Heinz _was_ sobbing.

"Dad? Oh my god." Vanessa was at his side in an instant, hands on his shoulders. "Dad, did you and Perry break up? What did you do?"

"I – heeeeey, why do you just assume that _I_ did something?" Heinz sniffled indignantly.

"Well, you _are_ the evil one."

"Fine, fine. But, you know, it's not _entirely _my fault. He totally overreacted."

"Dad."

"Oh, alright." So he told her. Not absolutely everything, of course, because she was his daughter and he wasn't totally irresponsible, not to mention he had a reputation to uphold. But most of it, anyway. Enough to get the gist. When he had finished she sat back, looking torn between horror and exasperation.

"_Dad._"

"What? It's not like it's the first time I've violated his free will at a fundamental level."

"Yeah, that's not helping your case. There's being evil and then there's being a jerk." But he must have looked pretty pathetic, because she sighed. "Look, I'll help you get your boyfriend back, but no more using –Inators on him!"

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Heinz hugged her tightly before what she had said sank in and he pulled away, glaring. "Heeeeey, Perry the Secret Agent is not my boyfriend!"

"Come on, Dad, I've seen you guys kiss like, five times. One time there was some serious tongue involved. It was pretty gross."

"Yes, but he's not my boyfriend. It's – it's a love-hate thing."

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"He's not – shut up."

"Riiiight," said Vanessa, rolling her eyes. "First things first, okay? Call him."

"_Call _him? Have you – have you even been listening? He doesn't talk, that's what got us in this whole mess in the first place. And anyway, I don't have his number."

"Not on the phone," she sighed, looking for all the world like he was the one being difficult. "On that little wrist thing. You can hack into it, right?"

"Oh," said Heinz. "Yes. Yes, I can do that. Just let me get a fresh lab coat, this one is all snotty."

It didn't take as long as he expected to hijack Perry's watch. It was almost as if someone had weakened the defenses on Perry's communication device in particular to make it easier for him to access it. Which was good, on the one hand, but on the other, it didn't give him a lot of time to prepare what he was going to say.

"Perry! Am I getting through? It's me, Heinz."

"He can see you too, Dad."

"Oh, right, right. I knew that. Hello! Wow, does your hair always look like that? How does your hat stay on? Do you make it stick up like that on purpose, or does it just do that naturally? Because let me tell you, I don't do a thing to my hair, but it always – no, wait, don't hang up!"

Heinz could actually feel Vanessa burying her face in her hands behind his back. After so many years, he had a sense for it. On the screen, Perry glared at him from under his improbably arrayed hair. It was the same blue-green as his coat, too; seriously, did he ever wear any other color? Not that it didn't complement his skin tone, but really, even Heinz mixed it up every once in a while. His socks were purple today.

Perry was still glaring at him. Not his usual, professional glare, either. He actually looked really upset. Heinz felt a pang of guilt, more acute than the general self-loathing which he had been wallowing in for the past hour or so.

"Look, uh . . . I wanted to . . . apologize. Maybe you could come over and we could talk about it?" He tried to smile, but it probably came out as more of a grimace. Perry eyed him suspiciously. "No tricks, I promise. Just you and me. Oh, and Vanessa. Say hi, Vanessa."

"Hi, Perry."

Perry raised his hand in half-hearted recognition.

"I know my dad can be a jerk, but he really does want to fix this. He's kind of a mess," she added in a mock whisper.

"Hey! I'm still standing right here, you know."

Perry shot Heinz a baleful look.

"I understand," said Vanessa. "Just think about it, alright?"

There were children's voices in the background. Perry glanced over his shoulder. Heinz scrambled to regain his attention.

"Perry? No, Perry, don't – aaaaaaannd he hung up. I think that went well, don't you? Vanessa?"

.

.

.

Perry wasn't coming.

That, Heinz felt, was pretty obvious by now. Honestly, it had been a whole hour. And it wasn't that Heinz blamed him or anything; he had hit Perry with –Inators before, but those had all been part of some evil scheme or another, and Perry had always respected it on a professional level. This time – well, Vanessa was right. This time Heinz had just been a jerk.

They'd probably go back to being strictly nemeses now. Or worse – and Heinz's stomach turned at the thought – not even that. What if the next time he was putting the finishing touches on a shiny new –Inator it was some other fedora'd agent who came crashing through his wall?

Heinz let out an embarrassingly high-pitched sound of despair, and Vanessa slammed her book shut.

"That's it! I'm going out. Watching you is making _me_ anxious."

"But – but –"

"Dad." She paused on her way out the door, her gaze softening. "He'll show up."

"Yeah, I know," Heinz sighed, lying, hating himself. "Yeah. You have fun."

She smiled sympathetically, and was gone. Heinz dropped into a chair, flicked on the TV, and stared stubbornly at the screen. He was not crying. He had just damaged, maybe irreparably, the only relationship outside of his daughter which was in any way important to him, thereby driving a wedge between himself and the only person he had ever been able to depend on and stirring up a whole mess of other painful memories of times when he had failed at exactly the moment it mattered most. He was not crying. He was not – he wasn't –

There was a knock on the door.

Heinz launched himself out of the chair, heart racing, hands slick with nervous sweat as he fumbled for the doorknob –

"Perry the Secret Agent! You came! Come in, come in."

Perry stepped around him, carefully out of reach, usually expressive face inscrutable.

"Sit down! Here." Heinz handed him a paper plate with a piece of cake. Perry cocked an eyebrow questioningly. "It's apology cake. I made it myself."

Perry stared at him, and he deflated.

"Well, alright, it's left over from my neighbor's niece's birthday party. Not that I _can't_ bake, it's just, I haven't been shopping in a while, we don't have baking powder, and anyway the oven has been all glitchy ever since I pulled out all that wiring to use on the Super-Claw-inator a couple schemes back – but I did the icing myself!"

Perry looked down at the poorly-drawn sad face.

"I was going to write 'I'm sorry I tried to violate your freewill at a fundamental level in order to make you recount what are probably very painful memories to satisfy my own idle curiosity,' but, you know, it wouldn't fit. And – and it wasn't _only_ idle curiosity, you know. I just thought – well, telling you my backstory always makes _me_ feel better, so . . . yeah, it was stupid. "

Heinz paused. He could feel himself shaking. He felt ready to either throw up or break down sobbing, but he held it back. This time, he didn't want to trap Perry, not even in the Agent's own hero complex. For once, he was going to bear his failure as he deserved.

A small, soft hand touched his cheek.

Heinz's gaze snapped up to find a pair of dark brown eyes inches from his own. Perry stretched up on his toes, threaded his other hand through Heinz's hair, and slowly, gently, kissed him.

"Perry –" He began when the pulled apart, and choked. Perry watched him, silent, a patient, steady thumb wiping away the tears that spilled over against his will. "I'm sorry. Don't go."

Perry's eyebrows drew together, worried, almost hurt. He shook his head, chittered in the back of his throat, tightened his grip. The message came though load and clear.

_Never. _


End file.
